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Wednesday, April 2nd, 2008
8:44 am - Tic-Tac? Anybody?
I got the job at XXXXX (Christian Bookstore). Who can believe it? To occupy my mind (since it is completely disengaged whilst working retail), and since there are 40 other employees who will all meet me on different days, I have taken to acting out the personality quirks of previous fellow employees on alternating days.

Yesterday, "The Sharon". "The Sharon" involves carrying Tic-Tacs in your pocket, and at random intervals taking them out and shaking them, offering "Want a Tic-Tac? Anybody want a Tic-Tac?". "The Sharon" also has a unhealthy obsession with Royal Doulton.

Friday I'm thinking "The Hugh". "The Hugh" has an exercise book in which he writes every present he has ever given anyone and a rating for their response out of five. "The Hugh" can't possibly walk past mess without tidying it (even just a little), and is constantly chuffed by modern inventions like microwave popcorn. "You just pop it in there, in its little perfect bag, and it's done in 3 minutes! A-MAZE-ing! I'm having this for lunch!!"

Popcorn! Only! For lunch!

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8:00 am - E=Mariah Carey squared
So her new album is called E=MC2, which finally proves my theory that she was in fact created in a lab. Picture Einstein or one of his assistants working on prototypes of the early MC (before she was squared) in between working on the Theory of Relativity: "Not enough bosom! Cinch the waist!"

Fittingly, the first single is "Touch My Body". ("Seriously! It's real! Touch it!"). You must see it. It is based upon a number of increasingly ridiculous premises, which include (but are not limited to):

Mariah Carey has ever, in her life, used a computer.

Mariah Carey even knows what it means to "upgrade to 802.11n", let alone demand it of some poor helpless sap of a CompuNerd technician.

That any computer help company would ever, ever, call themselves CompuNerd. (I can just imagine the Studio Execs dreaming this one up - "Ok we need a name for a Computer Tech company. Anyone? Anyone? Any ideas?" "Compu...Nerd?" "Ok I love it. It's like we take Computer Nerd and then take out the TER. Brilliant.")

That said nerd company would have as their company car a Volkswagen Beetle.

That said nerd company would have as its uniform a shirt, jacket and bowtie. (As opposed to a 3-day old T-shirt, jeans (or pyjama pants), and no shoes).

That nerds would fantasize about Mariah Carey, rather than someone sensibly hot and with at least some track record of intellectual achievement like Gillian Anderson, or someone freakishly hot that is also willing to wear a Zelda costume at a convention.

However, from the video, the one premise that is less difficult to believe:
Mariah Carey spends her days at home wearing nothing but a bra, panties, suspenders, stockings and high-heeled shoes.

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Wednesday, March 26th, 2008
9:12 am - Kerryn at 8:49am
Today Kerryn rang me at 8:49am.

"Hello Al!"
"Kerryn, why are you calling me? It's not even 9 O'clock yet!"
"I just thought I'd call you before my day got any worse."

So this is how it goes. Most days Kerryn rings she is having the worst day of her life - her favourite lecturer has left uni, she can't find anywhere to buy Dr. Pepper, a vine has grown up from underneath the floor boards and is now overtaking her bedroom etc etc. But by 8:49 all that had happened to her was waking up. She hadn't even got out of bed, just in case anything happened that would ruin her mood.

So we discussed the horrible job interview I had just taken at XXXXX (Christian bookstore). When asked "What is your favourite Christian author?" all of a sudden my mind went blank, as though I had never read any books before, ever in my life. All I could think was "don't be a snob, you don't want to come off as a snob", so of course the first thing to come out of my mouth was "T.S. Eliot?".

I just hate Christian self-help books. I just do. As I told Kerryn - "forgive me for my bookstore snobbery, but I am not particularly interested in reading anything with titles like 'Put a geranium in your poo-pot and chase those gloomies away'." Kerryn is now obsessed with me writing this exact book:

Put A Geranium In Your Poo-Pot And Chase Those Gloomies Away (by Alison Gerber).

Chapter 1: Don't get out of bed.

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